A curious girl, a wanderer

Okay, so my flight to Munich wasn’t that bad actually. It was an 8 hour flight. Yessss. And you guys want to know what I did the whole time?

I tried to sleep, but unfortunately wasn’t able to do so because of three main reasons: first, I was so thrilled by the idea that I was getting closer to my final destination. Yay! Second, the lady who was sitting next to me, was super close to me, almost rubbing her arm with mine, which at first I thought I was kind of odd,, and third, the gentleman sitting in the aisle seat turnout to be a complete freak. He was Egyptian, and seemed nice, but after a couple of hours of sharing a seat with two more people, I learnt that he was staring at the poor Pakistani girl sitting in the middle, and even tried to touch her arm! Like what the heck? That’s why this lady was getting closer and closer to me. It’s completely understandable that she was quite uncomfortable by his pure presence. That’s actually kind of funny. But lucky me, I was sitting next to the window, which allowed me to have a better view, a little bit of space and also use the window as a pillow lol.

Anyway, that was a long description.

Like what?? Really? Am I moving to France?

Okay, so it’s been actually almost a month since I’m here and I didn’t post anything just because I was taking my time to settle in a little bit and chill.

But yesssss, I’m here in Paris! And it’s been a crazy/amazing/unique experience so far.

Sometimes I’m pretty much just walking on my own thinking “Je t’aime Paris”

It all started like a very spontaneous idea around June this year. Tbh I wasn’t even sure about it. I just knew that I needed a change pretty much. I was hesitant at first, but my family and friends motivated me to keep going with the plan and go with the flow.

That’s what I did! And voilà!!! (A very French expression haha)

I can’t even believe it’s been a month already since I started this journey.

So it all started with my weekend at Mexico City at Grecia’s, which was actually pretty great! Oh my, I miss her so much already.

And then it was Monday the 10th. There I was, waiting to take my flight to Toronto.

Hola Canada 🇨🇦

So my flight to Toronto was actually pretty smooth. It went by pretty quick, but I wasn’t able to sleep at alll! It was horrible. The only good thing though was the beautiful sunrise I got to see from the window. However, once we landed, I felt like a zombie!

So Toronto went by pretty quick. I wasn’t able to see much since I was already super tired zombie type. I ended up taking a “nap” in a very random place that my sister’s acquaintance let stay at. It was so weird to be sleeping in someone else’s bed, not even knowing where I was, in a completely different city and country.

After a short nap, I got to explore the city a little bit. I was very surprised. Literally not the way I expected it. Kinda old style and empty? I don’t know, I guess I thought it was going to look more like the typical city in the US. Not my favorite to be honest.

I know I’m not posting much pictures about Toronto. But come on, like seriously? Dude, I was sooooo freaking tired, plus I was getting mentally prepared to take a long flight to Germany. Oops.

I came back to Mexico in January this year after being away for almost three years. I had created my own home, became very independent and would even call myself a free-spirit.

I came back to Mexico with only one suitcase, thinking that I was going to go back home to The States in a couple of months. Should I’ve known that everything would change, I wouldn’t have brought only one suitcase.

I spent the first three months in Mexico feeling so lost. I guess I experienced a very strong cultural shock. Dreaming about my days in Raleigh; my evenings watching the sunset in beautiful Lake Crabtree.

And in the blink of an eye, everything changed so drastically. I must say I wasn’t even prepared. But, isn’t life supposed to be like that? Changes happen unexpectedly. It’s like you never saw it coming. You never imagined that what you thought you had was already gone.

So that is exactly what happened. I lost the home that I had created with a lot of effort. I lost the dream of studying an MPH in a very well-known University in North Carolina. And I guess I used to even say that I had lost the person I loved the most. -However, since I’ve grown so much in these last months, I’ve come to realize that I didn’t lose anything. He was the one who lost me.

Therefore, I experienced very rough days. I felt so lonely, almost as if I was lost in a dark place. It’s even hard to describe what I felt, I’m not going to lie. I felt so hopeless, like if I was swimming in a river that was pulling me away even further and couldn’t get out.

It’s not easy to write this down. It’s not easy to talk about your feelings, especially when it is about something that hurt you so much. But it was true. Yeah, it was real. And even when I hated it so much, I realized that sometimes when you think it is the worst, on the other hand it’s a blessing.

Life redirected me in a good way. Life gave me a good lesson. It made me growth so much, listen to myself and love myself even more.

I’m recovering now. I’m growing like a flower in a beautiful garden. I’m raising like the sun in the mornings. I’m becoming stronger like the waves in the ocean. I’m creating a new chapter of my life.

I miss you so much, Raleigh.

I don’t even know how to put my feelings into words. How can you explain all the pain you have when things have been taken away from you so abruptly?

I miss how green you are. I miss all your trees, and the way they blend themselves when the sky is so blue.

I miss your fresh air. That feeling I used to get when going to the mountains. Oh dear, I would feel so light and free.

I still remember the first time I saw you. I thought I was living a dream.

I miss your peace and comfort.

I miss you with every single part of myself.l, and it makes me wonder “When will I see you again?”

Okay, he decidido hacer un breve análisis de sobre mi persona en este momento.

Te preguntarás, ¿Cómo es Diana? ¿Quién es ella?

Y yo podré decirte que es una chica que está dejando de lado la imagen, y está haciendo todo por mostrarse al mundo tal cual es: humana y vulnerable. A veces se siente perdida, a ratos se siente sola, pero sí que es valiente, y tiene una fuerza interna de la que ni ella misma se la cree.

Le gusta ser independiente. Sentirse capaz y responsable de su propia vida. Sin embargo, le encanta la compañía de aquellas personas que se muestran reales, de aquellos que son leales y que valoran el tiempo de calidad así como ella.

Le encanta el contacto físico, las muestras de amor por medio de acciones y atención. Le gusta que la quieran, aunque su amor propio de por sí ya es bastante grande.

¿Que si es soñadora? ¡Claro que lo es! A veces se preocupa por que no se le haga tarde cuando tiene una cita con el sol. Eso es. Suena raro, ¿verdad? Pero su cita más hermosa y valiosa es aquella en la que se encuentra con una puesta de sol. Cuando el cielo se torna anaranjado con pinceladas rosas.

Baila con el viento; así ella se siente libre y ligera. Se conecta con la vida, con su alrededor, con el mover de las hojas de los árboles, el sonido de los grillos de noche, el calor abrazador de una tarde de verano.

Esa es Diana. Es una mujer que ama la vida y admira la belleza de esta. Diana suspira y canta. Diana baila al compás de la naturaleza.

Ella se emociona por explorar, por descubrir un nuevo lugar. Ama la aventura, la adrenalina, las montañas, y la playa. Le encantan los momentos únicos y especiales, sencillos, sin pretensiones ni expectativas. Le gusta reír y sentirse ella misma. Le gusta la lluvia; el olor de esta y la sensación de querer estar acurrucada a alguien. A alguien especial. Alguien que está en sintonía con la vida. Alguien que ama con toda la fuerza de su corazón también, y sobre todo, alguien que guarda los pequeños momentos de la vida como el más grande tesoro.

Se vuelve loca por una caminata en compañía de ella misma. Esa es su meditación. Su tranquilidad. Su paz. Le enamora la sensación del movimiento de una hamaca mientras se columpia tranquila y delicadamente, suspirando aire, y sonriéndole a ella misma.

Diana es arte. Es humana, y como dije en un principio, es vulnerable. A veces tiene miedo, a veces tiene dudas. También hay veces que se pregunta muchas cosas, y se deja llevar por su imaginación. A veces se estremece y pide solo un abrazo. Un abrazo cálido y seguro. Un abrazo que la haga olvidarse de todo y sentirse presente en el aquí y ahora.

Ama la comida, disfruta cada sabor e ingrediente con delicadeza, resaltando las especias como una explosión en su lengua. Le gusta probar, le gusta conocer y experimentar nuevas cocinas. El ajo es uno de sus favoritos, ¿puedes creerlo? Desde su percepción, el ajo potencializa los sabores y los lleva a otra dimensión. Ahora, sí te preguntas de hierbas finas, la albahaca es su favorita. Ese olor tan fresco y verde y medio dulce, la hace suspirar.

La pizza es su perdición. Lo sé, es algo muy sencillo, pero así es ella, aunque no es conformista, se considera flexible, y algo tan simple como una rebanada de pizza margarita puede hacerle su día. Por otro lado, ese juego entre sabores de la comida oriental despierta todo su interés. Aun buscando entre lo más saludable para su alimentación, la comida en general es su pasión.

Diana es como un jardín de flores creciendo. Es delicada, colorida, alegre, exótica, y dulce.

Diana es aire, es mar, es verde, es vida, es flor.

Diana es Diana.

Tan humana. Tan imperfecta.

Diana se cae y se levanta. Se pierde y se vuelve a encontrar. Se adapta pero a la vez pide cambio y nuevas aventuras.

Ella sueña. Ella suspira. Diana va en busca de su lugar.

Y aunque se sienta sola de rato en rato, ella sabe que va de la mano con su misma esencia.

Así es, esa soy yo.

Amándome en el recorrido. Conociendo quién soy. Entendiéndome, hablándome con paciencia y con amor. Abrazándome cada día como la flor creciendo que soy.

Soy la Diana en un jardín de infinito amor.

Okay, so about a month ago I posted a quick entry about the things I miss the most about NC.

It tears my heart apart by just reading it because it’s something I posted a month ago and the reality now is completely different.

Are things supposed to change that fast?

A month ago, or at least two weeks ago I was still dreaming about going back to my second home. i was daydreaming, counting the days, thinking about all the different things I wanted to get done while over there.

But now I’m left with nothing…

I lost my home. I lost my person. I lost my dreams. I lost my goals. And I don’t even know if I should say “I lost our dreams and our goals”, because to be honest, right now it feels like if I was the only one dreaming about a future.

And yes, I’m left with nothing.

I feel like if there was no air coming in every time I think about everything that I have there. It’s terrifying. It brings me back to the past where I felt kicked out by my host family when I was doing an exchange program.

How ironic it is that the person I trusted the most, the one that saved me back then, is the one who got rid of me. Without even thinking that we had a home and a life together. He just left me with nothing. Seriously.

It’s humiliating. It’s degrading. It’s traumatizing, and it makes me feel like if everything I did was never enough.

Last week was a complete blur.

I can’t believe it’s been two weeks already. Time went by fast if I think about it that way.

But do you want to know the real truth? Every minute was going by so slow that I felt I was trapped in the same minute for hours.

I don’t know how I managed to get to where I am at now.

It was one of the worst and most intense feelings I’ve ever experienced.

It wasn’t just emotional pain. It was also physical pain! My heart was racing, my eyes where lost, my feelings all spinning around like a huge tornado, my voice wasn’t there, my head was dizzy, and my heart was so broken.

Have you ever experienced something similar?

When the person you trust the most, the one you believe in every word and every dream, decides to end it out of the blue. You didn’t see it coming because the day before he was showing so much love and affection to you. You didn’t believe it would ever happen because the week before you were talking about dreams and places to go to together.

So what the heck? Can someone here please explain what’s going on?

I went trough a state of denial for days. I didn’t want to get up from bed. I didn’t see myself doing anything else but feeling miserable and stuck in a black hole.

You know what I felt the most?

I felt betrayed. I felt let down from the person I love the most.

Yep. He broke my heart just like that. He broke it in so many pieces that now I even wonder if I will ever love again.

I felt kicked out from the home we created together. I experienced feelings of rejection, of being forgotten.

I feel humiliated.

Like, really?

I got dumped over a phone call! A phone call! Like what the heck?

Is true love supposed to be like that?

«This city’s going to break my heart. This city’s going to love me and then leave me alone. This city’s got me chasing stars. Am I getting closer to where I belong?»

Hoy decidí que quiero publicar en español.

Ayer sentí que un pedacito de mi se rompió al escuchar la letra de esta canción. Me sentí tan identificada.

Por ahora me siento perdida. Me siento sin dirección.

Me siento como si estuviera caminando por una cuerda floja al borde de soltarse o romperse en medio de la nada.

¿En dónde está mi lugar?

Por un momento pensé que ya lo había encontrado, y ahora solo veo pasar la vida. Veo pasar mis sueños entre suspiros.

Aún recuerdo que los primeros meses que estuve en Carolina del Norte me preguntaba seguido qué pasaría de mi futuro. A dónde me dirigiría o qué terminaría haciendo. También me preguntaba si conocería a alguna persona especial. La gente me preguntaba de mis planes para el siguiente año, y yo solo contestaba con un «No sé, es emocionante no saber, pero sé que algo bonito y especial me espera.»

Incluso mucha gente podría sentirse ansiosa de solo escuchar mi respuesta.

Todos me decían «You’re so courageous for being here all alone.» Y escuchar eso me hacía sentir tan orgullosa de mí. Me hacía celebrar el triunfo de lo logrado. Me hacía quererme y respetarme más.

Y subí como 5 rayitas de nivel en la escala de confianza personal, si no es que más. Aprendí de mí. Me sentí viva. Me sentí querida. La emoción corría por mis venas todo el tiempo.

Era imparable.

Los días se me iban entre viajes y aventuras. Vaya, qué inolvidables recuerdos tengo.

Después llegué a un equilibrio de querer pararme y descansar. Me di cuenta que también me gustaba estar en casa y ver una película. Me di cuenta que viajar cada quince días cansa.

La diferencia aquí es que yo no quería alejarme ya de mi hogar porque por fin había encontrado uno.

Quería permanecer ahí por siempre.

Ese nuestro hogar que creamos juntos.

Y por cuestiones duras y crudas de la vida ya no estoy ahí. Estoy de vuelta en Mexico. Lugar donde crecí y viví los 24 años pasados. Mi México «lindo y querido», en donde tengo a mi familia.

Pero además de mi familia, ¿Qué más me queda?

Mi cultura. Mi esencia de ser latina. Mis recuerdos. Aprendizajes y lrogros. Caídas y fracasos. Me queda un pasado que una vez fue mí y que ahora aguarda por ver qué me espera y adónde me lleva el futuro.

Mi alma sigue pidiendo a gritos por aventura. Un viaje. Un logro. Una vida diferente.

Pero, ¿en dónde?

Creí llamar Carolina del Norte mi hogar.

Corrección: Quiero llamar Carolina del Norte mi segundo hogar. Pero la vida me sigue alejando. Mejor dicho, es como si estuviera en pausa. Una pausa que se vuelve monótona y confusa.

Y yo solo sé que quiero una respuesta. Por favor, vida mía. Acércame a aquel lugar que me dio la bienvenida con brazos abiertos. Ese lugar bonito que se pinta de verde todo el tiempo. Ese lugar del cual leí tanto en libros y que nunca imaginé podría conocer.