Okay, so about a month ago I posted a quick entry about the things I miss the most about NC.

It tears my heart apart by just reading it because it’s something I posted a month ago and the reality now is completely different.

Are things supposed to change that fast?

A month ago, or at least two weeks ago I was still dreaming about going back to my second home. i was daydreaming, counting the days, thinking about all the different things I wanted to get done while over there.

But now I’m left with nothing…

I lost my home. I lost my person. I lost my dreams. I lost my goals. And I don’t even know if I should say “I lost our dreams and our goals”, because to be honest, right now it feels like if I was the only one dreaming about a future.

And yes, I’m left with nothing.

I feel like if there was no air coming in every time I think about everything that I have there. It’s terrifying. It brings me back to the past where I felt kicked out by my host family when I was doing an exchange program.

How ironic it is that the person I trusted the most, the one that saved me back then, is the one who got rid of me. Without even thinking that we had a home and a life together. He just left me with nothing. Seriously.

It’s humiliating. It’s degrading. It’s traumatizing, and it makes me feel like if everything I did was never enough.